It hurts to confront myself.
It’s not rainbows and butterflies. Bonnie Gal
There are parts of me that I don’t want to look at…that I’ve protected…that I hide from the world and from myself.
This body, this cage I’ve been living in
Is now ajar.
I’m no longer trapped.
The door to freedom is wide open.
I can leave anytime I want.
But it’s safe and familiar here.
Slowly…I place one foot outside…then another…and then another…until I’m out…in the wilderness, the unknown territory.
Step by step, I forge a new path, to nowhere.
Layer by layer, I start to remove my self-protective masks.
I begin to release…to let go…of the old, the battered, the bruised, the broken, the mistakes.
I forgive myself and others.
In between these layers I find beauty, strength, and love.
This is who I really am.
These realizations flood my mind, as I sweat my way through this hour.
I focus back around…to this moment…to what’s real…until again…I’m nowhere.
Where is nowhere?
Only those who have been, will understand, the deep peace of nothingness that exists deep inside all of us.
A connection to everything…to peace…to belonging…to something bigger than ourselves.
But then I lose it again! I’m back in my mind and this body of pain…oh the pain!
I sit in it…I breathe through it…it’s too much…I can’t do this…why am I doing this…when will this hour be over?
I feel depressed, defeated, over run, it’s too much to bare.
I open my eyes to look around for something to hold onto…a pillow…a movement…a doorway to run out of.
I crave my bed…to lay down. Such aversion to this pain!
Then I remember my breath and accept this moment as it is.
To let go...
To let it all go…
For a fleeting moment in time…there is peace.
And I’m nowhere again.
When I lose my way, this path is always here waiting…waiting for me to remember the steps… the steps back to nowhere.